Last year, I had the opportunity to be quizzed by Master Vile regarding my life as a Dominant and how that parlayed into our world. So after a lot of deliberation, I’m finally posting part 8. This one question has had the most profound affect on me because of its potential effect on your side of this screen.
For clarity, I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. And I get it right too. Life is but a series of experiences which lead us to be who we are. Even the best of intentions can backfire leaving you with a sticky mess to eradicate. Through those accomplishments and mistakes, I’ve discovered more and more about myself- sort of like reading an unabridged dictionary- with every page turn, there simply seems to be an even larger collection of words, sometimes with an enigmatic feel. No matter how far through a vanilla or other life you are, this one point above all must be understood by both: there isn’t a user manual which comes with this lifestyle; Experience and trust must be entwined. You can’t and won’t find complete satisfaction in this lifestyle without appreciation for experience and trust.
Please ponder that for a moment before you read on.
Sure, just like a beginner at a bowling alley with the bumpers up, you can hurl your proverbial balls down the lane hoping for a strike, a 10, for pitted pins, right? But you cannot comprehend this sense of achievement until you grasp the definition of your role (experience(s)), AND, garner the confidence of your partner (trust), that is- a firm belief and faith in the ability, integrity, and character of the person you’ve turned your life over to. These two are inseparable. If you question any of these things about the person wielding the instrument of pain, stop. Safe word. Get dressed. Talk about it. If the wielder becomes angry or succumbs to the throws of emasculation, get out. Bolt. Leave. Move on.
Master Vile: (8) Last what advice would you give to couples who are thinking about taking that step into a D’s lifestyle…
ME: I would say that D/s or M/s relationships are ones of trust and relaxation in the sense that each is comfortable in their roles. But you cannot begin to be comfortable until you’ve sat down and learned from each other what you want. This conversation must be entered into without judgement; your partner needs to bare their soul to you and you to them so that each has as thorough an understanding of the other as possible. Can anyone go buy a flogger and beat the shit out of somebody else and call it BDSM or D/s? Sure. But it won’t last long unless the two come to know and trust each other on unprecedented levels. After a few months they may in fact look at each other ask what the hell they’re doing, and so it will pass, they’re done. Those truly vested in this lifestyle won’t let or allow that to happen.
If you’re gonna embark on this journey, know something about it. Research, know about the anatomy of your partner by taking time to explore them without toys or kink. Learn them, know and appreciate the little things which please them, not just what makes them cum. The orgasms will follow when your partner knows how much you’re into them. (how much you know them, how much you trust them)
Think about your partner as an extension of you- whether in the bedroom, the kitchen or in public; their behavior is a direct reflection upon you. Notice I purposefully didn’t use Dom or slave or Master or sub? It’s because you reflect who you’ve trusted and how you honor them by making them the center of your universe, in any role. Learn and research what you don’t know; For example, just don’t start flogging for the sake of the motion- you could seriously hurt someone without a thorough understanding of where those blows shouldn’t land. Mostly, live and love passionately, like you seriously mean it.
-Tom Wolf (Mynx’s Sir)