Interview with a Dominant – part eight

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Last year, I had the opportunity to be quizzed by Master Vile regarding my life as a Dominant and how that parlayed into our world. So after a lot of deliberation, I’m finally posting part 8. This one question has had the most profound affect on me because of its potential effect on your side of this screen.

For clarity, I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. And I get it right too. Life is but a series of experiences which lead us to be who we are. Even the best of intentions can backfire leaving you with a sticky mess to eradicate. Through those accomplishments and mistakes, I’ve discovered more and more about myself- sort of like reading an unabridged dictionary- with every page turn, there simply seems to be an even larger collection of words, sometimes with an enigmatic feel. No matter how far through a vanilla or other life you are, this one point above all must be understood by both: there isn’t a user manual which comes with this lifestyle; Experience and trust must be entwined. You can’t and won’t find complete satisfaction in this lifestyle without appreciation for experience and trust.

Please ponder that for a moment before you read on.

Sure, just like a beginner at a bowling alley with the bumpers up, you can hurl your proverbial balls down the lane hoping for a strike, a 10, for pitted pins, right? But you cannot comprehend this sense of achievement until you grasp the definition of your role (experience(s)), AND, garner the confidence of your partner (trust), that is- a firm belief and faith in the ability, integrity, and character of the person you’ve turned your life over to. These two are inseparable. If you question any of these things about the person wielding the instrument of pain, stop. Safe word. Get dressed. Talk about it. If the wielder becomes angry or succumbs to the throws of emasculation, get out. Bolt. Leave. Move on.

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Master Vile: (8) Last what advice would you give to couples who are thinking about taking that step into a D’s lifestyle…

ME: I would say that D/s or M/s relationships are ones of trust and relaxation in the sense that each is comfortable in their roles. But you cannot begin to be comfortable until you’ve sat down and learned from each other what you want. This conversation must be entered into without judgement; your partner needs to bare their soul to you and you to them so that each has as thorough an understanding of the other as possible. Can anyone go buy a flogger and beat the shit out of somebody else and call it BDSM or D/s? Sure. But it won’t last long unless the two come to know and trust each other on unprecedented levels. After a few months they may in fact look at each other ask what the hell they’re doing, and so it will pass, they’re done. Those truly vested in this lifestyle won’t let or allow that to happen.

If you’re gonna embark on this journey, know something about it. Research, know about the anatomy of your partner by taking time to explore them without toys or kink. Learn them, know and appreciate the little things which please them, not just what makes them cum. The orgasms will follow when your partner knows how much you’re into them. (how much you know them, how much you trust them)

Think about your partner as an extension of you- whether in the bedroom, the kitchen or in public; their behavior is a direct reflection upon you. Notice I purposefully didn’t use Dom or slave or Master or sub? It’s because you reflect who you’ve trusted and how you honor them by making them the center of your universe, in any role. Learn and research what you don’t know; For example, just don’t start flogging for the sake of the motion- you could seriously hurt someone without a thorough understanding of where those blows shouldn’t land. Mostly, live and love passionately, like you seriously mean it.

-Tom Wolf (Mynx’s Sir)
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8 thoughts on “Interview with a Dominant – part eight

  1. I read a scientific study yesterday showing that the biggest predictors of happiness in life are gratitude (appreciation), love, integrity, and trust, followed closely by a love of learning. None of which can be achieved without a significant investment of time and effort, and from my experiences, most are in it for the quick fix (BDSM) without taking the time to delve deeper into the more richer parts of D/s to learn what makes their partner really tick I’ve enjoyed re reading all 8 parts, Mr TW, thank you for re-posting them.

    • It’s always good to read your thoughts, miss BoPeep. You are spot on regarding the gratification piece of this, intertwined with the connection of the giver and receiver and their collective passion for each other, making the right chemistry impossible to ignor.

      I’m reminded of the lyrics to the Pink Floyd song- “Another Brick in the Wall” … “If you don’t eat yer meat, you can’t have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat yer meat?” With this simple collection of words have come so many mondegreens with all kinds of hidden meaning. Ponderous.

      The real point here is that there are no hidden meanings, no mondegreens, no misinterpretations possible for the connected giver and receiver, Dom & sub, Master & slave, DD/lg, partners. Simply, the trust and strength of their relationship only deepens to a point where being separated becomes more painful than the scourge.

      Much love, miss BoPeep, thank you for sharing your thoughts…

      -Tom Wolf

  2. I have SO enjoyed reading your answers to these questions. Actually, We have enjoyed it. Professor and I have had some lovely conversations about your answers and how they relate to us. I hope that any newbies to the lifestyle read your very wise words and heed your warnings. I find it SO sad when I read the words of a submissive who isn’t actually a submissive, but an abused women who doesn’t know any better. Thank you, Sir, for taking the time to share your experiences and give such wonderful advice. 🙂

    • Agreed, miss Amelia, abuse is abuse. I become very frustrated reading about “dick doms” who write and or act in the name of BDSM for the sake of the abuse and really have no respect for their sub-miss. These are typically the same ones who bounce all over FL and are in it just for the hook-up. Just frustrating beyond words that someone, somewhere right now is living that abuse. For the good of the order, you don’t have to be dick, guys. It’s not even close to necessary. Command order and be the leader of your domain, yes- be a dick, no. TTWD is about achieving a deeper intimate connection of trust. The kind of trust where you know your sub-miss would do anything for you, but you know that you’ll never have to ask.

      I am appreciative of your comments, miss Amelia, thank you for sharing your perspective…

      -Tom Wolf

  3. “After a few months they may in fact look at each other ask what the hell they’re doing, and so it will pass, they’re done.”
    M. and I ran into a Life upheaval after a tough year for both of use. To the point where I didn’t even want to be friends. The phrase”only lust” came into use and I made the statement that lust carries you through for about 3 months, there has to be more invested to keep something going for years (remember – we are not married and came together only for D/s, but merged into friends and more.)
    M. stopped, looked at me and got quiet. Wheels turning.
    We were not only lust, we are symbiotic – and beneficial to each other.
    We have moved forward to a better place since then — and we have kept learning about each other. There will be bumps because our wants/needs/personalities/ages are so different, but we finally realized that we will plow through them together as a team and our D/s stabilizes us.

    • Very wise words indeed, miss Dievca… As many have stated before me, each has there version of TTWD- whatever that is for each person, and of course you and M as well. And, who you are beams through when the right ying appears with your yang, and I’m glad that your’s has manifested itself as it has allowing you both to persevere to point of happiness within one another.

      And you bring up another good point about relationships in general- you, the submissive are committed to your Master, and he to your committed being the operative there. One night kinky fuckery stands, whether one night or twenty are just that unless you really establish trust and commit to one another. It’s then that TTWD becomes so deeply intimate that you can’t help but bare your soul, share your soul- with your committed partner.

      Thank you for stopping by, miss Dievca!

      -Tom Wolf

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