From this Dom’s perspective… By: Tom Wolf
There is only one way to avoid criticism:
do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.
So someone, some place, at some time planted the seed, be it male or female which made you feel like you wanted to be a Dom? Easy, right? Pick up a flogger, maybe a paddle, start barking out commands at someone else, maybe humiliate them either passively or aggressively, beat them down and let them know who’s boss, right?
Yah, no. If that’s what you’re seeking, you’ve taken a head-first deep dive down the wrong rabbit hole. BDSM is, in this Dom’s perspective, a deeper, more meaningful way of loving. Sure there’s kink, sure there’s pain, and absolutely it all leads to pleasure. But it’s not just about making others bow down to you like Loki did in Marvel movies. It’s about earning the trust and respect of your partner which allows them to be in a position of submitting to someone they trust with their life.
My Mynx is quite the handful to try to tame. In recognition of that, the most important piece I’ve learned is that I cannot tame her unless she is ready to acquiesce to me as a Dominant. I believe there are loads of woman out there wishing to have the D/s lifestyle in some form, but who refuse to give up their sword so that they can enjoy the pleasures of submission. I believe this is in part due to the emasculation of some men, but also in large part due to the lack of leadership some men exhibit.
Please let me clarify that last one so that I don’t lose my mancard… Guys- its okay to be the follower by day, but demonstrate you can also be the leader at home by night. Everybody in this world works for somebody and in order to keep getting money deposited to your bank account by your employer, you simply have to do what you’re told. Sometimes that means swallowing a big dose of “this sucks” in order to move on. But when you walk in the door at night, you’re the leader of your free world (if you so desire). If you’re not there now and wanna be, make a plan to get there because it won’t happen over night. Make goals, goals which you have to tell no one about, but soon, those around will begin to see the accomplishment of your goals and so too will begin the respect.
Let me clarify that one too- By goals, I don’t mean things like “she’ll listen to me by this and such date” -wrong- what I mean is more like just accomplishments of simple tasks. Do you have a project that’s just a bit long in completion? Make a plan to complete it. Then the next one and the next one too. Are you forgetting to put the trash out? Set a reminder. There are hundreds of more examples here, each having varying degrees of relevance. But the more accomplishments you have, the confidence your submissive will begin to exude in you. WHen it feels right, you can even begin to delegate some of these. All of this must be coupled with open communication… -the kind where you’re able to speak your thoughts without being judged for your them. You’ll know you’re on to something because it will be so much more powerful a conversation than you’re used to having.
But baby steps. Just start by examining where you’d like to be in say one or two years. Make a plan by working that goal backwards into several smaller goals. Check ’em off and celebrate your completions to yourself, the bigger goals and completions will come with time. BE WARNED though- you may get part of the way down this trail to realize that the person you’re with isn’t going to ever become submissive or anything near it. It’s at that point you need to make a decision on whether it is love which prevails and that you’re okay with placing your goals on the back burner or abandoning them altogether -or- and there’s a lot which needs to go into this decision… prepare to move on to spending your life with someone else who will help you accomplish your goals and fulfill your desires.
My first wife was really good in bed- I mean really good. (Pssst- Mynx is even better, BTW) So good, she decided she needed to be with many other men besides me. Hey, guess what? That wasn’t okay with me. We never talked about it and clearly, I wasn’t enough for her. Her loss, I think. It took me a while but I’m so glad I found Mynx. She’s my safe harbor and foundational point for our relationship. She’d probably tell you a bit differently than that, but it’s true. Noooo, we don’t always agree on things, remember what miss BoPeep said- “she could probably run a small country”??? There’s a very strong-willed woman behind those eyes, but she respects my leadership and supports me in a way my ex never ever could or would. But when I made my decision to leave my ex, it was the toughest thing I had ever done (at that point). But I looked at the short and long term scenarios and realized that she would be better off and so would I. Now, seeing how it is at this point in my life, I think turned out pretty okay.
Guys, at the end of the day, be the person you want to be with the person who is going to support you and make you happy. Anything less means constant questioning of yourself and where you are. Sitting here in my 5th decade of life I’ve become more verbose and outgoing, more honest by expressing my feelings, exercising my beliefs, demonstrating my values more outwardly- but in a non-offensive way. The truth is that I’m really just speaking my mind instead of holding it all back and all inside. Your life partner should live and act and be the same way with you, otherwise she or he is living a lie along with you. In this life, you only get to have one pass through it, though some believe otherwise. Make the most of it by being who you are to you first, working to pull that out of your partner second, and if you have kids, help them to to see that too.
Much love and respect…