Last year, I had the opportunity to be quizzed by Master Vile regarding my life as a Dominant and how that parlayed into our world. It’s been nearly a year since that interview was posted and I thought I would repost it in easier to digest “bite sized” chunks so as to offer a bit more detail and stimulate new conversations about it while reinvigorating former dialogues. This is part six of eight segements in which Master Vile Woods interviewed me regarding the BDSM lifestyle which Mynx and I lead.
(6) Do you consider yourself to be a Strictly Bedroom Dom, or has it moved to a 24/7 relationship?
Bedroom Dom, no. Well, our relationship in D/s began that way, in the bedroom. And truthfully, D/s at first validated or justified both mine and Mynx’s desire for kink. If I look at all of what led up to our conversations about D/s, I would say that we’ve really always had it both in and out of the bedroom, we just never really formalized it until D/s. I think you’ll get me on this point Vile- you just know when you have the one you’re most compatible with. It’s not perfect, nothing on this planet is. But our D/s is perfect for us. I believe challenges arise with some couples moving into Bedroom D/s and then transforming into 24/7 because they compare themselves to others and begin to think of the imperfections they encounter as the standard instead of being honest and true to who they are.
If today I am, by my standards a Dom or sub or doctor or janitor, but tomorrow I choose to be better than I was today, then I have made a positive change. It’s the same with D/s. By making a conscious effort to learn more about this style of life, it becomes better, and then fantastic. That’s me living up to my own standards then exceeding them, and not comparing myself to someone else. But when I see someone else doing “X” and I compare myself to them, I am setting myself up for failure every time, and it’s very difficult to recover from this false comparison. When it comes to Mynx and I, we look at what others do, how they do it, test it and see if it fits into our version of D/s.
Officially transferring out of the bedroom wasn’t too difficult for us. We embraced a couple of key concepts; we can’t always be D/s when vanilla-ville people are about, and, we can’t be too flamboyant in front of our children. The kids also have structure and respect, and when the respect is broken, we talk about it, mistakes are forgiven, defiance brings consequences. D/s isn’t very different, is it? D/s is chock full of truth, trust, honesty and integrity too. How can you have D/s without it?
Mynx and I operate similarly, especially when it comes to D/s safety. If you practice Shibari, have your scissors handy. Anything can and has gone wrong for even the best Shibari Masters. Those scissors could save a life, and no, you shouldn’t run with scissors, LOL. Did I need to say that last part? After a scene, after the aftercare, Mynx and I discuss it, what she liked, what I liked, what we want more of, what she’ll tolerate, what I’ll push her to expand her horizons on. She needs it as much as I do. The same is true outside of the bedroom. She makes a lot of decisions without me, but when she happens into uncharted waters, she asks herself, “What would Sir have me do?” She thinks it through and 99.9% of the time, the outcome meets her expectations and mine. She’s my treasure.
We couldn’t have gotten here without me testing her though Vile, the details are there in the post Test of My Submission. She and I talked about formalizing our D/s outside of the bedroom for a while but I wasn’t convinced. Suffice to say, I thought she was part of the fad crowd of BDSMer’s and she wasn’t serious. When we first started talking about 24/7 outside of the bedroom, I was reluctant and said no at first, but then we talked it through. I left it alone for a few weeks while we spent some long weekends together, then surprised her with the test detailed in my post. I’ll say this- she passed with flying colors. Is she perfect? Nope and neither am I. And we both know that to make D/s work we need to be honest with ourselves and not compare our D/s with anyone else’s because each relationship is different.
-Tom Wolf (Mynx’s Sir)