Our Married D/s Couple journey began a little more than a year ago which led to a shift into 24/7 in May of this year. This post is an account of the test my Sir had set for me in June during an ‘alone time’ weekend visit to our shore cottage.
A little history- I have always worked full time outside the home, and my resume would read: Department Store Sales Manager- 10 years, Beauty Salon Regional Manager- 2 years, and currently Food Services Manager- 12 years. I have made decisions, delegated responsibilities and managed teams of people for a collective 24 years. Giving up control and decisions to my Sir was challenging, and, my worst fear was what I always referred to as “losing my sense of self.” As a result, during the first 9 months or so, I really struggled to let go and immerse myself in my submission. In my heart I really wanted it, but I had trouble shutting down the controlling, be-in-charge side of my brain, and simply letting go. I desired to submit, but I allowed the vanilla world to pull me back to itself, and to a lack of submission.
In April, we made friends with another D/s couple, and planned a weekend away with them in May without kids and responsibilities. It was a hit. A follow-on meeting was planned for June, and, after spending some time with them picking their brains on the D/s dynamic that had me so intrigued, these friends encouraged me to just let go. This couple too was fairly new in their journey but had good, sound ideas and strong mindsets regarding what the journey should look like. They were a tremendous influence and had given me the the boost I needed to let go and trust my Sir to lead me. Now, to just convince Sir I was in it for the long haul.
Our private weekend alone had finally arrived. We headed off early in the afternoon to our beach cottage after working most of the day on Friday. Just before we walked out the door, Sir handed me the large set of Ben wa balls and told me to go put them ‘in’ for our drive. I did as requested. It’s a 3-4 hour drive to the shore which allowed for a stop to enjoy a nice dinner along the way. The BW balls nagged at me and made me crazy for release, creating a bit of sexual energy and angst.
Prior to May, I was a bedroom submissive and he a bedroom Dom. I wanted to submit, but Sir wasn’t quite convinced that this journey we embarked on was something that I could truly commit to 24/7. In fact, he had doubts that our D/s relationship was going to last- that it was perhaps a phase or something I was only teasing him with. He said this weekend would be very memorable, and he intended to take me in all ways all over the cottage, and he said he “hoped I was up for it” -with a mischievous grin on his face.
We arrived, and I was a ball of pent up sexual energy. The BW balls were having Sir’s desired affect on me, which made the task of unpacking a bit challenging. Sir poured me a glass of my favorite wine and we sat down to unwind and relax from our drive. The BW balls continued their torment. We chatted away about our week, laughed and discussed plans for the weekend, and shared a few more laughs- and had good, quality time alone together. Then Sir asked me to go prepare for and wait for him in the bedroom. I did as asked- showered and prepped for him as I know he likes, my legs and kitty shaved smooth, lathered with my scented body wash, lotion on my arms and legs, and my hair in a pony tail. My sexual anticipation was off the charts making my girl parts ache for release.
One of our rituals at bed time and for “scening” is for me to kneel and present my cuffs to wear. This ritual is limited to our bedroom, and of course on nights like this one, since our children are still in the house. Sir’s rule is that if I have been disrespectful or disappointed him, I’ll be denied the privilege of wearing my cuffs as part of my punishment. So, prepped and primped, I exited the bathroom naked and ready for Sir, who was preparing for bed. I knelt before him and presented my cuffs. Sir turned, took my cuffs from me, and said I would not be wearing my cuffs to bed tonight. He pulled me to my feet, and told me to go put on something comfortable to sleep in.
“What?!” questioned my inner voice! I thought we were going to play- no kids- empty house- two days- and we’re going to bed- AND now he wants me to go put on my PJ’s!?!?!
My mind was whirling. I had been sleeping naked since we started or D/s relationship. I knew better than to question what he had asked of me, but I was really at a loss to explain what was happening. I did as asked and put on a comfy pair of pj’s that I haven’t worn in months, and again, knelt in front of him. He then asked me if I was ready for bed.
I replied, “Yes, Sir?” -wondering. “May I get into your bed, Sir?” He shook his head and said no.
In my bewilderment I hadn’t notice the coil of bondage rope lying on the bed, one end of which he approached me with. He asked me to stand for him and he tied my hands together with one end of the rope, then took the other end and tied it to his right wrist. He then reached for my pillow and placed it on the floor next to his side of the bed, and asked me to lie down, pointing at my pillow now on the floor.
“You have got to be joking!” the voice from my head yelled inside!
I’m being punished for something, but what? Oh- this is challenging my submission alright! Okay. Fine. My internally ‘snarky’ self quickly complied with his direction to lie on the floor at his side of the bed. My mind was going crazy inside, when out of the silence, Sir asked me if I was comfortable, “Yes, Sir?” I replied in an unsteady voice.
“Good, that’s good. So Mynx, there are a couple of rules we need to cover. Number 1 is that you may not leave my side without permission. Number 2 is similar- if you need to go to the bathroom, you must wake me and seek permission. Do you understand?” I nodded. He bid me a “sweet dreams and good night,” then turned out the light.
What?! Seriously?! What the hell?!
Now, as you can imagine, while I lay on the hard floor, no covers, and hands bound and tethered to my Sir, my mind was a whirl with “Oh shit, what the hell did I do?” And “How could this be a test?” My mind was overwhelming my heart and desire to fully submit to his test. As I lay there, my ears were ringing with the deafening silence and damning wonderment. Then the vanilla stupor began to seep in -so much for a good night’s sleep- -OMG I’ll be freezing within an hour, and oh shit, can I or should I ask for a blanket- And then whirled right back to-what did I do to have received this punishment, Sir had always allowed me to get into his bed with him- and a million other mind rattling thoughts pouring out of tear welling eyes, which began to spill down my face. As the sniffles set in, Sir rolled over and asked if I was crying. I hesitantly replied, “Yes, Sir?” not knowing if that was going to get me into more trouble than what I was in. And was I ‘in trouble’ or did my vanilla mind ‘tell me’ that I was?
Sir sat up in bed and turned on the light so he could see me, and asked why I was crying. I sniffled my reply, “because I have always been allowed to get into your bed, Sir, and I don’t know what I did wrong to receive this punishment, but I want to please you by doing as you wish.”
“I know you do Mynx, but seriously, I think this thing is a fad, nothing more than kinky, vanilla-with-twist sex, and I’m convinced you’re just doing this for the orgasms. Tell me why you want this?”
If you thought my mind was racing before, it was a full-fledged hurricane of thoughts blowing around now, and I was a bit angry and sad at the same time. How could he again ask me these questions, only now I’m trapped, hands tied, lying on the floor, no where to run, no where to hide- I felt as though I could pass out from all of the anxiety and turbulence in my brain! I wanted to scream it out in anger and frustration! But shit, he asked me a question-
“Sir, I want this because I want nothing more than to please you, to make you happy and pleased with me, but I feel like you’re punishing me for something, and I’m not even sure what I did?” Shit- shit- shit- my head was a blur. Focus.
“And Mynx, there’s the reason why you want only kinky sex, vanilla with a twist sex, only in it for the orgasm sex. You and I know we’ve had some pretty amazing sex, but if it’s complete submission you’re after, then you have to be willing to let go. So again I ask you, are you uncomfortable- other than being a bit chilly from the air conditioning?”
What?!?!?! A bit chilly from the air conditioning? Hell no, I’m feeling cold and outcast! What did I do wrong? Frustration and anger were creeping into my thoughts. “No Sir! I’m not uncomfortable other than a bit chilly. But why am I not next to you in that bed feeling your body heat next to me? Why have you put me here like some dog?”
“Oh my sweet Mynx, can I ask the questions please? So- you’re not uncomfortable, you’re safe, and I have the other end of this rope around my wrist. Not that I should need to explain, but this rope is symbolic. It is our connection to each other and to the submission and Dominance you claim you crave. Do you understand? Would you like a blanket?”
The tears were now pouring down my face, I was sobbing and sniffling, and no, I didn’t understand! WTF kind of question is that- ‘Would I like a blanket?’ Really? “Yes, I want a blanket! And no, I don’t understand why you have taken to making me equal to the dog and not care any more for me as your wife?”
“Mynx- here’s a Kleenex, now take care of your sniffles. And I need you to stop crying. There is no reason for it. But of this I’m sure- those tears are vanilla tears. You know I love you, I need you, I crave and desire you- deeply! You are not like the dog in any way shape or form. To be clear, the dog can come and go as it pleases, but it knows not make a mess in the house, and trusts that it will get food and fresh water daily. You, one the other hand, mean much more. I do not want you to get away. I want you to know you are safe and cared for, I want you to know that your needs are going to be met- by me. I need to make sure that you know my love for you is immensely deeper than ever before.”
“But Sir, I…”
“And Mynx- I’m at the other end of this rope too. Metaphorically speaking, it is equal to the phone- I’ll be there for you. Your emails and texts- I’ll be there for you. And when you cry out in the middle of the night- like tonight- I’m here for you. You have not, nor will you ever be less than my wife, but I hope that one day you’ll be my true submissive too!”
“That’s what I want, Sir, but I want…”
“You’ve as much said I’m your Dom, but only in things sexual and kinky. I need you to trust me on a whole new level, in a whole new way. Do you think you are ready for that, Mynx?”
“Yes Sir. I need you to be my Dom and care for me, but I want…”
“I know what you want, Mynx. But I need to know if that is what you truly desire- to submit to me, to trust me, to have faith in me to make the decisions which will have us prosper spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially, sexually- to stop doubting me, stop emasculating me, stop second guessing my thoughts for your own? Can you manage that in your submissive delight, and be truly happy about it?”
“I think so.”
“You think so, Mynx? Why are you holding back? What’s keeping you from submitting Kitten?”
Shit- shit- shit- he’s right! I have been in this only for the kinky, vanilla-with-twist sex. And then I’ve been in a hesitant mode about that! I haven’t submitted, truly. Damn it! “Sir, I’m afraid of loosing my identity. I’m afraid of losing my sense of self, my place as your wife and as a mother. I’m scared to death of being treated sub-human. But I trust you and I want this. Do you understand? I want this! I want to submit to you!” Sobbing almost uncontrollably, I said, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for not trusting you, Sssssir.”
“Good girl, Mynx. You’re my good girl. You won’t lose your place as my wife- you’ll always be that first and foremost, but next you’ll be my submissive- and if you can submit- your sense of self will only grow, likely more than double, because you’ll be doing what you say you desire- submitting to me. And you’ll always be you- an amazingly beautiful person with a huge heart and desire to please those around you- but now you’ll have an even greater place in their hearts because your sunny warmth and effervescent personality will shine completely through and not be shaded and full of thoughts which create doubt. You’ll have all of this because of what you desire Mynx- to submit.”
I was sobbing heavily, and his words became etched in the front of my mind, as if I were looking at him through them- and hit me- he’s right, I’ll know my exact place all of the time, be desired and desirable, spiritually, mentally and physically, and able to guide my children by the confidence I exude in my husband, and make his world more secure by not making him justify things to me. Simple trust, obedience, submissiveness- all equal the happiness I’m seeking. Holy shit! What an epiphany, but what do I do now and can I do this without feeling like I have no opinion? That’s what I feel, I’ll have no opinion.
“Sir?” “Yes Mynx?” “It IS what I want, but I’m afraid again.”
“Of what my Kitten?”
“Will you still value my opinion? Will what I think still matter? What if I disagree?”
He said- “We are still a couple, husband and wife, but if this is what you want, submission, then we’ll become a Married D/s Couple and you will have even greater say because you won’t be challenging me any longer, you’ll be challenging the idea and contributing to its success rather than taking control and being the one who’s ‘right’ about it. It’ll make you supportive because of your trust. And in your trust you’ll value the ability transfer the final decision because you know I’ll be responsible for its success, for its failure, for the outcome. But I’ll depend on you to help me make an informed decision, not argue with me about it. Does that make sense- do you know what I mean by that?”
Yes- yes- yes- echoed through the core of my soul. “Oh, it does Sir, I want to submit to you. I want you more than ever- right now!”
As Sir continued to talk I began to feel different- I felt my universe shift, I felt the submissive in me emerge. His words were pouring over me and through me, touching my heart and soul. I turned a corner that night. Sir had reached my soul with his words and I let go of everything in my head and fully submitted myself to him.
“Mynx, there’s one more thing.” Maybe he was looking at me differently, or I at him when Sir said to me, “tonight we’ll do something a little different. I wish for you to top me, to be in charge, and drive the scene. I need it for the clarity and confirmation. You’re in charge now Mynx.”
Whhhhat?! Holy crap! What?!
After such an epiphany and my pledge of submission he wants me to ‘top’ him?
I must have given him “that face” look because he asked what was wrong? I looked at him, right into his beautiful baby blues and said “but Sir, I don’t want to top you- ever! It’s just not in me to do so. I am your submissive and you’re my Dom. I’m sorry, Sir, but I just cannot do that, not now.”
Sir smiled and pulled me into his arms, and kissed me passionately. When he pulled back, he held my face tenderly in both hands, looked me in the eyes and said he would never ever question my submission or my desire to submit again. He went on to say that this final request had been the ultimate test of my submission, and that he was well pleased with my response. He said he really didn’t want me to top him at all, and if I had taken him up on the request, he would have known that I was not ready to truly, fully submit.
As for after the test, it was such a hot night! Sir was so loving and sensual with me, but yet so Dominant. It was an amazing experience beyond words! I was floating well beyond sub-space. It was complete ecstasy!
I share this with you, not to brag or make comparisons to anyone else’s feelings of submission. Rather, in a previous post, I wrote that people were approaching us saying how good we looked, how happy we seemed, and to keep doing ‘whatever it was’ that we were doing!
I present this deeper side of me because I hope you’ll share your paradigm shift in ‘thinking submissive’ and what it meant for you.
How did you feel? What was it like? Have you been able to sustain it? How do you manage your D/s in an otherwise vanilla world?
Warm, sexy, submissiveness to you my friends, I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
Sir’s note: Mynx had some memory recall trouble on some of the details. The quoted part of my dialogue to her was written by me.
Leading into this night, I had researched both books and the web, consulted a Dom friend, and a ton of role playing in my mind. I made notes, mental and on paper. I played out possible responses from Mynx- and my replies- over and over. I had one chance to do this. It reminded me of when I proposed and all of the scenarios I had gone through prior to proposing. It had to be perfect, or in Mynx terms- purrrrfect! One thought drove me even harder about putting as much time into it as I did- “perfect practice makes perfect play” -and while I’m not sure who said it, I suspect it was a football coach. Ultimately, being a student of music in my early years, this one sums it all up-
“There’s nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.”
-Johann Sebastian Bach
My Mynx responded beyond my expectations- though admittedly, not the way I had thought through in any of my mental scenarios. So a word to my fellow Dom’s- just as its important to drum the “no expectations” ideal into our submissive’s head, we too should not set our own rhythm of expectations for them, rather, merely suggest and let the instrument of our desire “play itself.” I do and she does, and it is nothing short of amazing!
-Mynx’s Sir (Tom Wolf)